A Tale of Two Turtles; An Open Letter to Mitch McConnell

Dear Mitch,

On Thursday night, November 5, 2020, Trump addressed the nation from the White House about the ongoing legal vote counting.  It was, by many measures, the worst moment in American Presidential history.  When Anderson Cooper compared Trump to an “obese turtle lying on his back and flailing” for this performance, the two of you were permanently linked.  He’s an obese turtle lying on his back, and you…well, you ARE a turtle. 

Of course your connection to Trump is more securely tied than simply by metaphor or physical appearance.  Without you, Trump would never have been able to damage the country to the extent he did.  You enabled him, you encouraged him, and when given the chance to remove him, you ignored the points of facts and the points of law and let him stay in office.  You even violated your own principles (ok, fine…I’m making an assumption here) and led the charge to pack the Supreme Court with unqualified justices who will be a scourge on American society for 30 years to come.

Yes, Mitch, history is not going to look on you very kindly.

But I have a plan for you to rescue your tarnished legacy.  Clearly I cannot appeal to your conscious, or to some sense of care for the American people, or to any concern about the foundations or the future of our democracy because whenever you had a chance to act in those interests, you put your head into your shell and abandoned us.

But hear me out.  You can save all of this for yourself.  Don’t let the fact that the country will benefit from my plan stop you from considering it.  I want this to be all about you.

I’m writing this on Friday, November 6, 2020.  It is now clear that in a fair election, your boy Trump lost to President-elect Joe Biden.  But, as we suspected, Trump has declared his intention not to concede and to do everything possible to stay in office despite the will of the American people that he pack his bags and fuck off.  He’s going to file lawsuits, he’s going to make outrageous claims of fraud which he cannot substantiate, and he’s going to encourage his minions to take to the streets in violent protests against the will of the American people.

While the few thousand people that might die in the ensuing violence are nothing compared to the death toll you and he racked up in mismanaging COVID-19, it can all be avoided.  Again, please don’t consider doing it for us.  Do it for you.

I suggest you get in touch with Speaker Nancy Pelosi and let her know that you will support the removal of Trump from office BEFORE January 20th.  He was clearly guilty of high crimes and misdemeanors the last time, but it wasn’t in YOUR interest to remove him.  Because of double jeopardy protections, I assume the House would have to file new articles of impeachment based on new high crimes and misdemeanors.  Luckily for you, Trump has piled up an impressive new stack from which the Speaker can choose. 

Heck, if he continues to incite violence, you’ve got a nice new fresh set to work with right there. 

So from here it’s simple.  You can wash away all your sins by breaking your heretofore unbreakable bond with the unhinged president.  Let the House impeach, and then you lead the charge to remove him.  History will look at you as the guy who saved the republic.  You stopped the violence and you silenced the demagogue.  You’d be a genuine red blooded American hero.  Hell, I’ll even fund a college scholarship and name it for the NRA on your behalf.

Just something to think about as we prepare to watch the country unravel, led by your boy in the White House.

Sincerely, America

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